Getting back on the bike... again!

It's a perfect autumn evening for a bike ride! I just finished taking my 2 month old bike on its second voyage... That sounds depressing; it IS depressing. I've been absent from this page for the majority of the year and I've been absent from my fit-self for the last couple months. But I've been re-inspired :)

It is VERY frustrating when you can't motivate yourself to do what you know you need to, what's good for you. For example, me. I lost 40 pounds between last December and May. That's pretty cool! I was inspiring people, I was being encouraged by everybody and I won't lie, I LOVED hearing how great I looked and how amazing I felt! Then in May I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I was prepared for it; all the symptoms had been there since November and I'd been avoiding it (tip: DON'T DO THAT!!!!). But I let myself become overwhelmed with it all. There's a LOT to know about managing diabetes and even more if you're determined to try and do it ASAP without medication. So I kinda shut down. At the same time I could feel myself slipping into a rut for several reasons: 1) Summer was on the way and with it zero structure and lots of fun making exercise the last thing I wanted to do. 2) Work was beginning to get overwhelming and when that happens I tend to allow it to take over my life. 3) I was getting emotional again about the loss of my fiancee a year and a half earlier.

Fast forward back to now and I find myself 20lbs heavier again and lacking the motivation to do anything about it. WHY!!??? I KNOW what's good for me and I DON'T want to feel crappy and I DO want to inspire and encourage people. But sometimes, your heart just can't do it. Being fit is for the mentally strong, and for me it takes a LOT of mental coaching & coaxing.

Thinking about this hard the last couple weeks I finally acknowledged the weight of my emotional state and today I let it go. Last month I did hot yoga a couple times and the instructor we had on the first night said something that really spoke to me: "yoga is an emotional practice, so you may find yourself feeling things both emotionally and physically that you aren't prepared for. This is ok. We recognize the feelings and we let them go; no acceptance, no holding them, just recognition." (Ok I paraphrased a bit because I couldn't remember her exact words, which is a shame because they were truly beautiful!).

I've been fighting an internal battle - letting go of grief. Accepting that I am not where I thought I'd be and no longer feeling debilitating sorrow over losing my love and the life that was promised in my being with him. Also the sadness of missing family in Australia that we were reunited with this summer was a bigger "thing" than I ever thought it would be. This doesn't mean that I'll never feel sad about the loss again or won't miss my beautiful Aussie family (cuz trust me, that's a daily thing), but now it's ok and there's a big burden off my shoulders. This battle was a very important one; one that I had to focus all of my energy on. And now that I feel like I'm beyond it, I can try and be my fit-self again :)

I read a blog post by a friend this weekend. She's just started a nutritional blog that I am STOKED about! If you're interested, she's a personal trainer and and exercise nutritionist with Precision Nutrition based in Calgary and you can check out her blog here. Reading her first post about the key to successful eating was where I realized what had been going on the last few months. She said:

"If you cannot see your worth, it will show in how you feed yourself and what foods you decide to buy.... Disordered eating patterns, whether starvation or bingeing, are just the manifestations of deeper rooted issues. It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you?"

I needed to remember my value, my worth as a person. Since Mike died I have struggled so hard against feeling worthless, useless and ugly. I have the coolest friends and family everywhere but a few very special ones in Calgary who tried to help me battle this soon after Mike died, and it's starting to sink in. So I can reroute my energy to this new battle and start over. PS - I HATE starting over - I'm a finisher. But this is one area that seems to always be a struggle for me. So, like pretty much everyone, I'll fall off the bike again and have to start over but for now, I'm ready. Bring on the work :)

Thanks to everyone who continues to be a huge help and encouragement!
<3 xxoo

Don't let hunger rage win! Be intentional

So, I've gained the past 3 weeks. :( wah wah wah BUMMER! And like anybody else who is trying to make this work I know exactly why (sometimes it's easy to pass it off as nothing or to pretend like I don't, but I do). For me, it's because I've allowed the boundaries between work and personal life to become blurred again. I have no problem putting in extra hours and taking one (or 12) for the team but significant weight loss - no, significant lifestyle change - has to be the central focus of ones life. It has to be the #1 priority. The one thing that nothing else can get in the way of. For me, work is always trying to be that thing - and it isn't, or shouldn't be.

When I let work become that thing I don't eat when I should which means I become afflicted with hunger-rage. Ladies & gents whether you call it being "hangry" or "hunger-rage" you know what I'm talking about. I have about 3 stages (as identified by my best friends/previous room mates)

1. Hunger rage - This is where I just get annoyed a lot. Don't get me wrong, it's not pleasant for me or those around me, but at this point I can still identify what's going on and fix it, usually by stuffing my face FULL of things I really shouldn't be.
2. HRE: Hunger Rage Emergency - At this stage I see red. I have no idea why I'm angry but I usually don't believe it has anything to do with the lack of sustenance in my body for hours on end despite the fact that's exactly the reason. Everybody around me suffers because I truly believe they all deserve to die.
3. Sudden Onset HRE - This stage amplifies the second stage by 2 (or 10, depending on who you ask). In both of these stages, even eating something does not immediately calm me down, but it eventually will. This is where anyone around me begins shoving anything they can get their hands on into my hands or mouth.

So "Hunger Rage" ain't pleasant. And it is THE reason I've been unsuccessful in the pounds lost department this month. I live on Starbucks caramel macchiatto's for the mornings and sometimes oatmeal. Lunch - if I even remember to eat it becomes some random concession food like chicken fingers, poutine, or when I'm feeling calm enough to try and be healthy 2 chicken wraps. Snacks then don't even exist in my world along with fruits and vegetables. For dinner it's either nothing or sugary/salty yummy comfort food that I continue to eat before bed and then every single time I wake up during the night.

This cycle, not only causes significant weight gain but it makes me feel SO CRAPPY! WHY DO I EVEN SUCCUMB TO IT?! Because I put my guard down. I let myself become a complacent work-a-holic. I know the words complacent and work-a-holic don't really go together, but when work takes over, there is no room left in my life to really care about anything else.

 I was reeeaally hoping what they say about weight-loss happening in the kitchen was not true. But it totally is. I have been an exercising machine the past couple weeks! That's been the only saving grace from packing back on every single pound of the 30 I've lost so far. But I've been eating like crap and talking about getting on a meal plan but avoiding doing it. This also really affects my sleep, which affects my workout and my entire day. I am someone who needs sleep to function even just a little.

So, if you are in the same rut as I am currently, don't despair! We can climb out! But we need to be intentional. Here's the 4 things I'm going to do differently this week to make that change happen:

1. Work normal hours and not every day of the week
2. Track what I'm eating - I ditched that a couple weeks ago and have regretted it ever since
3. Put a reminder in my calendar to eat and snack - for everybody's sake. I might even invite my co-workers into those meeting requests for accountability's sake and to get them eating with me.
4. Shop after eating/when I'm not hungry and make good food choices in the grocery store

For tracking, I've been using the weight watchers app. I signed on to weight watchers in October and have never actually used it for anything other than tracking. But I also recommend myfitnesspal. It essentially does the same thing - gives you a daily calorie intake (rather than WW points), allows you to track your food, activity, weight and goals. And the best part is, your friends with the same app can see positive updates from your profile as well as getting an update whenever it's been awhile since you've logged in so they can encourage you. I used to find it very annoying  but I see the benefits now that my mindset is changing.

The moral of the story today folks is, this lifestyle change MUST be the #1 thing on your priorities list. You won't be successful if it isn't. It's a daily decision and work ethic. Make the right choice. Send me a message if you need some encouragement or find a friend who can be that for you. Everybody needs a best friend like mine because he keeps me accountable. When we stand in starbucks and he gives me a "look", crosses his arms and says "is that venti a non-fat?", he usually takes guff from me but has also received some serious hate from the barista taking my order! But he still keeps on supporting me and calling me out on my bad decisions (which he doesn't even know the half of because I usually hide them from everybody). Everybody needs someone like that.

Be intentional!

Lotsa love :)

You are who you surround yourself with

I don't have a personal trainer or a dietician. But I do have the luxury of having friends in the fitness industry. It's the blessing (previously viewed by me as a curse haha) of working in the recreation industry and specifically in a recreation centre.

A huge piece of my personal weight-loss battle comes down to the adage: "You are who you surround yourself with".  Every single one of my closest friends is fit-conscious some way or another. For too long I was the self proclaimed odd-man-out. I refused to go hiking because I didn't want to be the one who couldn't make it to the top. I didn't want to work out with anyone because I didn't want them to see that I couldn't run for very long or that I didn't have any idea how to use any of the machines at the gym or know how to do any of the exercises. My outcast mindset had nothing to do with how my friends actually felt about me; it had everything to do with the way I felt about me and in turn what I assumed they felt about me. Despite encouragement and constant conversations about the fact that in fitness classes nobody actually pays any attention to what you are doing or look like because they are all too busy just trying to survive themselves.

Can you relate? What changed you ask? Well, the background is a long story for a different post. But it comes down to a fundamental change in thinking; an absolute, desperate need for a 180 degree change in my mindset and the way that I live my life. But the only way I have done it and survived thus far is due to the people in my inner support circle. Working at a Rec Centre, I have friends who make a living in every area of the fitness industry. But more than that, I have friends who absolutely love me for who I am, overweight or not. My friends push me and challenge me. They take me out hiking and instead of being frustrated that I am slowing them down (as I still perceive they should), they are genuinely excited to be out in fresh air and have me with them. My friends invite me to join them in different health-conscious endeavours whether I decline every time or not. My friends give me room to fall on my face and then help me stand back up again. They praise me for my successes and remind me of them when I'm tempted to make bad choices -  and I'm telling you, I actually don't think there is a bigger motivator when it comes to weight-loss than someone saying you look great or giving you a thumbs up every time they see you getting in the pool to swim laps!

If you are my friend... Thank you.

I've been employed in aquatics for 5 years and for most of them I've been an aquafit instructor - CRAZY! I know right?! And I'm going to be honest with you there is almost nothing that I hate more than teaching aquafit for no other reason except that I don't feel qualified. I've taken all the necessary courses and training and love to participate in aquafit. But I don't think I have the right look. I'm 100lbs (-30 now :D) overweight: everything bounces the wrong way when I demonstrate. I do not see myself as a fitness role-model (yet). But, my friends whom I do view as fitness role-models constantly remind me that everybody's journey is different; that there is always someone who can relate to someone else; and that everybody has something to offer.

So that's what I'm going with. I have encouragement to offer and praise if you need it. I'm excited to do this because I want to show people like me that we can be who we want to be and get their with the help of our people. You can't do it on your own. I can't do it on your own. Surround yourself with people you want to be like in more than one way or for bigger reasons than what you can take from them. Make sure you have your "people" - the ones who love you no matter how high or how low you feel, how big or how small you are.

Lotsa love folks :)