Getting back on the bike... again!

It's a perfect autumn evening for a bike ride! I just finished taking my 2 month old bike on its second voyage... That sounds depressing; it IS depressing. I've been absent from this page for the majority of the year and I've been absent from my fit-self for the last couple months. But I've been re-inspired :)

It is VERY frustrating when you can't motivate yourself to do what you know you need to, what's good for you. For example, me. I lost 40 pounds between last December and May. That's pretty cool! I was inspiring people, I was being encouraged by everybody and I won't lie, I LOVED hearing how great I looked and how amazing I felt! Then in May I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I was prepared for it; all the symptoms had been there since November and I'd been avoiding it (tip: DON'T DO THAT!!!!). But I let myself become overwhelmed with it all. There's a LOT to know about managing diabetes and even more if you're determined to try and do it ASAP without medication. So I kinda shut down. At the same time I could feel myself slipping into a rut for several reasons: 1) Summer was on the way and with it zero structure and lots of fun making exercise the last thing I wanted to do. 2) Work was beginning to get overwhelming and when that happens I tend to allow it to take over my life. 3) I was getting emotional again about the loss of my fiancee a year and a half earlier.

Fast forward back to now and I find myself 20lbs heavier again and lacking the motivation to do anything about it. WHY!!??? I KNOW what's good for me and I DON'T want to feel crappy and I DO want to inspire and encourage people. But sometimes, your heart just can't do it. Being fit is for the mentally strong, and for me it takes a LOT of mental coaching & coaxing.

Thinking about this hard the last couple weeks I finally acknowledged the weight of my emotional state and today I let it go. Last month I did hot yoga a couple times and the instructor we had on the first night said something that really spoke to me: "yoga is an emotional practice, so you may find yourself feeling things both emotionally and physically that you aren't prepared for. This is ok. We recognize the feelings and we let them go; no acceptance, no holding them, just recognition." (Ok I paraphrased a bit because I couldn't remember her exact words, which is a shame because they were truly beautiful!).

I've been fighting an internal battle - letting go of grief. Accepting that I am not where I thought I'd be and no longer feeling debilitating sorrow over losing my love and the life that was promised in my being with him. Also the sadness of missing family in Australia that we were reunited with this summer was a bigger "thing" than I ever thought it would be. This doesn't mean that I'll never feel sad about the loss again or won't miss my beautiful Aussie family (cuz trust me, that's a daily thing), but now it's ok and there's a big burden off my shoulders. This battle was a very important one; one that I had to focus all of my energy on. And now that I feel like I'm beyond it, I can try and be my fit-self again :)

I read a blog post by a friend this weekend. She's just started a nutritional blog that I am STOKED about! If you're interested, she's a personal trainer and and exercise nutritionist with Precision Nutrition based in Calgary and you can check out her blog here. Reading her first post about the key to successful eating was where I realized what had been going on the last few months. She said:

"If you cannot see your worth, it will show in how you feed yourself and what foods you decide to buy.... Disordered eating patterns, whether starvation or bingeing, are just the manifestations of deeper rooted issues. It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you?"

I needed to remember my value, my worth as a person. Since Mike died I have struggled so hard against feeling worthless, useless and ugly. I have the coolest friends and family everywhere but a few very special ones in Calgary who tried to help me battle this soon after Mike died, and it's starting to sink in. So I can reroute my energy to this new battle and start over. PS - I HATE starting over - I'm a finisher. But this is one area that seems to always be a struggle for me. So, like pretty much everyone, I'll fall off the bike again and have to start over but for now, I'm ready. Bring on the work :)

Thanks to everyone who continues to be a huge help and encouragement!
<3 xxoo